The Inner Struggle with "It"

First, I apologize to my followers for "Dropping off the face of the Earth." It has been extremely hectic since my last blog in July. In late August I was the victim in a roll over vehicle accident and have had to go through a strenous physical therapy and medication routine to get my pain under control again. After the accident it seemed every part in my body started to go crazy, like it was my fault or something. I'm still in an angry phase of having to deal with "It" and "It" has made itself clear that "It" is not going anywhere. I have been trying to deal with my inner self and get it through my head I can no longer function the way I want and I don't like "It." Going to bed at night, I think about how my next day is going to be and if I'll get a decent night's sleep without waking from pain in my joints and muscles. When I wake up, the first thing I try to do is to make a fist to see what level of pain my hands are in and whether or not I'm going to be able to do the pony tails in my girls hair or if it is going to be another "hair down" day. My Husband returned from deployment in October and he is trying to absorb this as well. He does not completly understand what I'm going through and feels helpless on my bad days. His arms feel good around me even with the lingering pain his touch leaves behind. I am thankful I have a good Doctor that communicates with me and listens to what I say. The Humira doesn't seem to last the full 14 days and the cycle of pain is continuous with it. I still take the tramadol up to 3 x a day to ease the muscle and skin pain. This takes the edge off and allows me some functionality throughout the day. I started Methotrexate this week, and even though there are some nasty side effects and extreme cautions I have to deal with, I pray to God it works. I do my light aerobics, strength training and muscle stretching, it hurts, but I push through it. I'm still waiting for the exercise to make me feel better...Lol! I guess it helps to keep me going. I rest when I need to, I cry when I need to and on my good days...I catch up on whatever is left in between. I am tired...this pain management can take alot out of you just to get through one day and then deal with it all over again on the next, never knowing quit how your day is going to go.