The Dreaded "How are you?"

I work in an administrative office building and everyday I try to hurry to my office on the third deck (floor, for you land lovers) and get to my cubicle as quick as possible to avoid the dreaded question. I am laughing at the word hurry in my first sentence, because with my daily aches and pains I go about as fast as the turtle that raced the hare and we all know eventually that slow turtle won the race. Now, I know the question is routine, what else do you say to someone in passing when there is really nothing else to talk about, you say..."Good Morning/Afternoon, followed by "How are you?" So, these co-workers are just following routine...my response is simple. First, with the exception of a few people I have no choice but to see on a daily basis, I try to avoid as much human contact as possible throughout the day. I hurry to the restroom as fast as possible, hoping to get into a stall to do my business before anyone can say anything and if someone comes in while I'm there, I time my finish to miss them as they go into a stall or wait til they get out. Hummm, I was just thinking, sometimes, I wonder if they are doing the same thing, because it can become quite a wait game! If I'm in the elevator and they are not within 10 steps of the door, I pretend I don't see them and quickly press the button to get away. The whole time thinking I survived not having to answer the question. Second, I'm, in my own world and I quickly scurry by a person or persons having a conversation and just do not acknowledge a living presence around me. I also avoid as many meetings as possible and if I do get stuck in one, I hang out towards the back in case I begin having one of my weird anxiety attacks about being around a crowd of people. This second method is usually because I am having a bad morning/day and don't feel like looking at someone, much less talking to them. Third, when I can't get out of it, I just reply, "It's Monday, or Tuesday, or whatever day of the week it is." People seem satisfied with the answer and come up with clever replies like, "Yep, over the hump day." or my favorite, "at least we are one day closer to Friday." I know people are not targeting me on purpose, but my answer to that question can change within, minutes, hours or daily. When I'm truthful about how I really feel, it tends to lead into the next question, "What's wrong? and I just get tired of "It" and unless a person is educated on my disease or the person is one of the select few that really knows how I am actually doing, the conversation becomes to long and I just don't want to talk about "It." Nothing against the person. All my days are not bad, some days I can answer with a cheery, "Alright, and you? These days are less than often, but I do have a few and one day at a time, as slow as it may be, I know with prayer and patience I will win my race.

The Inner Struggle with "It"

First, I apologize to my followers for "Dropping off the face of the Earth." It has been extremely hectic since my last blog in July. In late August I was the victim in a roll over vehicle accident and have had to go through a strenous physical therapy and medication routine to get my pain under control again. After the accident it seemed every part in my body started to go crazy, like it was my fault or something. I'm still in an angry phase of having to deal with "It" and "It" has made itself clear that "It" is not going anywhere. I have been trying to deal with my inner self and get it through my head I can no longer function the way I want and I don't like "It." Going to bed at night, I think about how my next day is going to be and if I'll get a decent night's sleep without waking from pain in my joints and muscles. When I wake up, the first thing I try to do is to make a fist to see what level of pain my hands are in and whether or not I'm going to be able to do the pony tails in my girls hair or if it is going to be another "hair down" day. My Husband returned from deployment in October and he is trying to absorb this as well. He does not completly understand what I'm going through and feels helpless on my bad days. His arms feel good around me even with the lingering pain his touch leaves behind. I am thankful I have a good Doctor that communicates with me and listens to what I say. The Humira doesn't seem to last the full 14 days and the cycle of pain is continuous with it. I still take the tramadol up to 3 x a day to ease the muscle and skin pain. This takes the edge off and allows me some functionality throughout the day. I started Methotrexate this week, and even though there are some nasty side effects and extreme cautions I have to deal with, I pray to God it works. I do my light aerobics, strength training and muscle stretching, it hurts, but I push through it. I'm still waiting for the exercise to make me feel better...Lol! I guess it helps to keep me going. I rest when I need to, I cry when I need to and on my good days...I catch up on whatever is left in between. I am tired...this pain management can take alot out of you just to get through one day and then deal with it all over again on the next, never knowing quit how your day is going to go.

The "Mack Truck Feeling"

So much for feeling bright eyed and bushy tailed today....when I got out of bed this morning I felt like I had been hit by a Mack Truck. I knew right away I was not going to have a good day. I followed my Doc's instructions last night and did not take my usual tramadol before bed, I truly believe I paid for it. Needless to say, I followed my usual morning routine, limp, plop and hobble, only this morning it was awful. My kids noticed right away I was feeling pretty bad. I still pushed on, because life doesn't stop around my pain and with my Husband on deployment, I have to take care of our four children. This morning I also was scheduled to go to one of our weekly Physical Training Sessions. (I hate these on mornings like today.) I went anyway, aching all the way and aching right through 40 minutes on the elliptical. I had a private self pity moment afterwards and let out some tears...I am just so tired of the aches and pains, so tired of them. Around 1000 this morning, I broke down and took a tramadol, it took several hours to feel it help with the pain, I also took another one about an hour ago. I wake up throughout the night (insomnia), but I do not want to wake up with the pains I had last night. I don't talk to many people about how I feel, because unless they really are educated about "It", I feel they don't understand because they can't see it. (from the inside out) As much as I hate this chronic illness, I reflect on the things I am thankful for. I may not be able to do as much with my family as I want to, but it feels good to still be able to run my fingers through my 3yr old daughters hair when she gently cuddles next to me, she is careful because she knows Mommy hurts a lot. I am thankful to be able to sit on the bed and play footsie with my 5yr old when she gets out of the bath. I am thankful I can sit next to my 11yr old daughter and kiss her on the forehead when I tuck her in at night. To feel her hand on my cheek when she asks if I'm alright. I am thankful I can feel my 12yr old son put his arms around me when he tells me he loves me, to get some rest and he hopes I feel better. I am thankful I have a wonderful supportive Husband and even though we are apart right now, his soul is hand in hand with mine. I am thankful I can get up in the mornings, even with my limp and all my aches and pains. I know it could be worse, there are others out there with many more life struggles and when I ask God to give me the strength to make it through another day, I also ask him to help those others find strength to cope with their journeys as well.

My Humira "The Fight Against "It"

It's Monday, the 27th of July 2009! This morning I woke bright and early ready and excited to take my 4th Humira injection. There is nothing like limping out of bed, plopping on the toilet and then hobbling down the stairs at 0515 in the morning to take your Humira shot out of the fridge so it can sit out for 20 minutes to warm up before you take it. Who ever thought I would be so happy to self - inflict myself with pain to help ease pain...hahaha. I don't know why, but I was scared to death to take my first auto-injection on the 15th of June 2009. I think it was because of all the horror stories I was reading online about the injection. Things like...it burns so bad, is so uncomfortable, horrible itching, rashes, extremely painful, infections, etc. The injection itself looks pretty intimidating. The nurse I had was wonderful, she went through everything over and over to ensure I understood what I was getting. First I had to figure out how to pinch my belly roll in the middle to keep it from rolling. (LOL!) The last thing I remember thinking as I put that needle to my skin to push the button, was...."I'm worried about a little shot and I gave birth to babies with no pain meds...silly me." and I pushed the button...in went the medication and I heard a little sucking sound as the last of the medicine was injected out and it was all over. It took less than 10 seconds. Wow...I said to the nurse, Was that it? Your kidding....either I have a high tolerance for pain or others are just not so tolerate. "Wimps" I thought to myself. There was very little burning, it felt like a little pin prick, like the way you use to do your friend with a safety pin when they were not paying attention and made them jump. I guess I can say I am fortunate, so far I have only had a little itching at the injection site on my belly, which doesn't last very long, maybe an hour. I just ignore it and don't give it any attention. No rashes or anything else. However I have noticed the effects of the shot begin to wear off about 3 to 4 days before my next scheduled injection. I don't know if this is a common thing or not, I would love to meet someone else that is beginning this same journey to compare notes. I'm sure the shot effects everyone different. I feel blessed I haven't had to go on a medication roller coaster (yet) and I will blog about that on another day. My psoriasis plaques have not cleared up, but they don't itch or scale as bad. I still have pain, my hands really make me angry when I'm trying to put my little girls hair in a pony tail and "It" just doesn't want to allow it. Those things a Mom is suppose to be able to do. My feet and ankle's still hurt and my knees, well, if I could replace them, I would. I also wonder what is really going on in my lower neck and back area. I have high hopes for my Humira injections, I will be patient and see if the small differences I feel can be contributed to the Humira or the tramadol. The Doc wants me to stop taking the tramadol unless I absolutely need it, right now, I still do. Twice a day, sometimes three. I guess I will try to wean myself off....tommarrow..I'll start. "It" may or may not let me.

Snap, Crackle & Pop!

At night when all is quiet in my house and I begin to use the handrails to pull myself upstairs to my bedroom, I hear it loud and clear. Snap, Crackle & Pop! Snap, Crackle & Pop! I'm not talking about Rice Crispy's either. This is the sound of the inside of almost all the joints in my body, especially my knees. I use to have good knees, somewhere over the years I ignored my little aches, pains, snaps, crackles & pops. I contributed those things to working out with weights, running for physical fitness, repetitive tactical movements, the impact of a 60 pound K9 throwing itself into you during attack training, getting pregnant, shipboard life and getting older. I say older, because then I didn't think I was that old, as a matter of fact I am not that old...but "It" makes me feel like an 80 yr old woman that can barley move at times. Today, the best way to describe my knee pain is to imagine walking and all of a sudden some crazy person decides to stab you right under your knee caps with an ice pick and then decides to pull it out and shove it in again with a side twist! This occurs when ever I try to do anything in which my weight is required to be supported by my knees. (Hence, the "Plop.") Oh ya. Whom ever thought that squats and lunges were cool exercise to do must have been high on some form of illegal narcotics. I no longer squat/lunge for anything! Nada! Out of all my joints, my knees, feet/ankles, lower back and neck are the worst. They wrestle with each other, playing tag-team to see which one will get the best of me throughout the day. I have to admit, most of the time they beat me down good. I counter attack with exercise, limited by what "It" allows me to do, no high impact what so ever. The doctors tell me exercise will help make me feel better and ease the pain. They have one part right so far, I feel better I have continued to push myself to exercise, at least it lets me know I'm not dead, I'm still waiting on the "ease the pain" part. While I'm waiting, and as I walk through the silence of my house everynight, I'll continue to listen to the rythmatic sounds of my unique Snap, Crackle & Pop as another reminder I have "It."

Definition of a "Plop"

Webster's Version: Plop: an intransitive verb; to allow the body to drop heavily -usually down

My Version: a comfortable way to avoid the sharpe pain in my knee joints caused by "It" when lowering my body to a seated position; a moment to recharge physical energy; or how I get on the toilet to take my morning "pee" after I get moving from my morning "limp" Lol!

Today is Friday. I always look forward to Fridays! After a week of juggling the schedules of four children, basketball, dance, medical appointment's, mandatory military functions, work meetings, physical therapy, physical fitness (yuck), grocery store runs, vehicle gas ups, lawn care, house maintenance, house work, haircuts, beauty shops, summer camps, runs back to the grocery store, dinner, baths, bedtime and the most horrific task of all..getting through rush hour traffic to be on time for all of the above. (As I heard on of my co-workers say, "I'd rather set my hair on fire and put it out with a steel hammer!) On Fridays, I know it will be an opportunity for me to find a comfortable place in the house to "plop" and attempt to recover from a hectic week. I say attempt because each weekend I play catch up on the things I was not able to make a priority during the week because "It" just did not leave me with the energy I needed to get it all done.
During this attempt, I walk straight over to the right of our big ol sectional couch, that is my spot, "Mom's Spot", take my uniform blouse off and drop it in the floor. This is where I think I have a compulsive disorder or something. I look at my blouse on the floor, think about picking it up, because I know it needs to be picked up, but I leave it there anyway as my way of saying screw it, it can wait, trying to convince myself there are more important things to get done like plopping myself down, yep you guessed it, I end up picking it up so I don't have to do it later and throw it onto the staircase hoping one of the kids will put it into the laundry. Floor -vs- staircase...what is the difference? I can't see the creepy looking mound sitting in front of me all balled up if it is on the staircase, therefore, I won't pick it up until later. I know the kids will go by it 100 times and it won't bother them..hummm...weird kids, or maybe it's me? Finally, finally, finally I get to "plop!" What a wonderful sigh of relief, the cushions are so soft and bear huggable, cool against my head and neck. I put my feet up on the ottoman, combat boots still on, I just hate bending down to get them off, it's easier to wait until I go upstairs to change all my cloths at once, turn on the television and within five minutes I have my little one pouncing on the couch next to me begging for a snack or something. I don't let her on my lap much anymore, her little limbs pressing against my body intensifies the pain I already have from "It." Well, my peaceful "plop" is over!!!! Throughout the weekend, I find those 5 to 10 minute "plop" sessions help me relax and gain just enough energy to make it through the next demand. Having "It" makes you realize, you have to take things one at a time or your body shuts down, I'm still in a denial phase, or maybe an I hate "It" phase...this is the most difficult for me. I don't like it, I push myself and "It" quickly reminds me with chronic body pain and stiffness that I will slow down, but who has the time for that???? My best guess...Me.

My Out of Bed Morning "limp"

Have you ever seen one of those cartoon characters with a wooden leg cut to short and a horrible "limp" in their walk to go with it? Just imagine lying in bed, staring at the shadow on the ceiling and wondering how bad your "limp" is going to be when you get out of your bed to walk to the bathroom. I may not have a wooden leg, but this dreaded daily reoccurring event is the first reminder in my day that I have "It." I begin by stretching my toes as straight out as I can get them before I ever move from my position. I then flex my feet, pointing my toes up towards my chest, down towards the bottom of the bed, repeat and hold, repeat and hold, repeat and hold. It is at this point my cat (Kee-kee) thinks I am playing with her and like a silent sniper, she pounces out of nowhere, onto the bed, rips a hole into my down comforter with her teeth and tiny goose feathers go flying everywhere! Did you know those little feathers are easily inhaled through the mouth into the throat when your screaming at your cat at 0500 in the morning? Now, where was I, oh yes....the "limp." While I stare at the clock in pure disgust from tossing and turning all night, I now sit up in the bed and get what I think is a good stretch to the back of my legs. I place one foot down onto the carpet, then the other, take a long deep breath, (as if this is going to help), slowly stand up and quickly turn around to lean back onto the bed to relieve the onset of immediate foot pain from standing up. Here is the tricky part, I have to go pee. Yes, I said "pee." My bathroom is about 10' from my bed and up four steps + another 5' to the toilet. Ya, I know what your thinking....don't ask, that is just how the house was built. (see the picture) So, here I go, "limp", owww, "limp", owww, grab the hand rail to help pull myself up the stairs, bigger "limp" OWWWW. In my mind I'm telling myself, just get to the toilet and the foot pain will stop! Hurry, hurry, get there...owww. I get there, stop, look at the toilet and realize I have to sit down...Well, guess what, I don't sit down anymore, I plop down. Why? Because "It" is also in my knee joints. Needless to say, regardless of the pain in my feet and ankles, I successfully make this little journey every morning to "pee" and every morning I continue to dread my morning "limp."